Wife Talk | Romanticizing Your Relationship

Since getting married, I've received quite a few requests to discuss different aspects of marriage. How to prepare, how to be a good wife, the difference between dating and being married, etc. And I've all but completely avoided the topic for one glaringly obvious reason...I haven't been married that long.

But, I see now how this can be a space where all of us wives of current and wives to be, can learn together about creating healthy and happy marriages. I'm happy to use this series on the blog to share what I learn through books I'm reading or advice I'm receiving from women in my life. Hopefully, it can be useful to you and aide in creating the romantic relationship of your dreams.

Aside from starting The Empowered Wife on Audible back in December, I haven't done too much seeking out of relationship or marriage advice. But one theme that keeps popping up when I do think about the ways in which we create a marriage we love, is the idea of romanticizing our relationship.

A few years ago, the phrase "romanticize your life" became a big hit amongst the masses. Creators on all platforms were making content about how important it is to romanticize your life and people were eating it up.

There's something so simple, yet powerful, about actively choosing to make your life the absolute best that it can be. And the most romantic that it can be.

Crafting your life in such a way that it feels like a Jane Austen novel or a Nancy Meyers movie. Creating a living space that beautifully reflects your spirit, and participating in activities that bring out your inner child.

The concept of romanticizing your life is one that I, and millions of others, truly love.

But I don't often hear about it in relationship to love and marriage. So today, I want to explore why it's so important to romanticize your marriage and various ways to do it.

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We're all familiar with the initial butterflies of dating someone new.

Those long phone calls where you're both staying up way later than you should, talking about any and everything under the sun.

When you can't wait to see that person because every time you do is better than the last.

The first dates, the first glances, the first kiss! It's all so romantic.

And, if all goes well, the first year or so go by in a honeymoon phased blur. And the next thing you know, you're in a long term relationship with this person.

Those first few years are usually full of bliss. Everything is bright, shiny and new. Everything they say makes you laugh, and everything they do makes you swoon. You both are putting your best foot forward, likely because that person brings out a side of you that you didn't know existed before.

Most people will tell you that that feeling fades. That after so many years together and different life changes like having kids, moving, and stresses at work, the butterflies fade and the excitement dwindles.

But it doesn't have to.

People will often express how difficult marriage is. The first thing they say to you when you get engaged is how hard it is and how it's such hard work. But I don't really subscribe to that belief system.

Maybe I'm young and naive, but I truly don't believe that the right relationship takes the kind of work these people are referring to. But I suppose that would depend on your definition of "work". I think that it feels like work for a lot of couples, because they aren't doing things they actually want to do.

Are relationships difficult? Sure. But only in the same way that life is difficult. Life is hard and scary, uncertain and ever changing. But we actively make choices everyday to make it a little more enjoyable, fun, and in this case, romantic.

We actively plan trips with our friends. We actively spend time doing the things we love. We actively eat our favorite foods. We actively choose to find ways to enjoy life. We have to put in effort to live a life we love. Why? Because life can be hard.

So in the same way that we make choices to enjoy life in different ways, we can also make choices to enjoy our marriages in different ways.

We can leave little notes for each other around the house for the other one to find. We can make our partner their cup of coffee or make their favorite dinner once a month. We can plan trips and getaways together to spend time connecting and reconnecting.

The same way that we look at romanticizing our lives, should we look at romanticizing our marriages.

It's choosing every day to do little things that will enhance the relationship, and keep that initial flame of passion and chemistry around.

I've been in a relationship long enough to know that it's not always butterflies and roses, because again, life can get hard. And those external factors can often infiltrate your marriage, causing stress or tension between you and your spouse.

But when that happens, I challenge you to fight the urge to retreat and close yourself off, and instead, choose to get even closer.

What do I mean by this?

When there's tension in a relationship, sometimes you just don't know how to get back to the place of connectedness and ooey gooey love that you want to be in.

Let's say you have a fight at the beginning of the week. You say something you shouldn't, your partner says something they shouldn't, and now you're not speaking to each other.

The easy option, is to stay in that space. To stay in the anger and frustration. To stay in the, "Well I didn't do anything wrong, so he should be the one to break the silence," state of mind. To wait for him to apologize. And be set in your decision not to soften your edges until he does.

But what if, instead of taking that route, you took the route of choosing to break that silence. What if you took the route of looking him in the eyes and saying, "Come back to me."

This is a concept I learned about while listening to an insightful episode of the Madelyn Mood Podcast. It's the idea of recognizing that you're both human, and you both need softness extended to you. (This does not apply to abusive relationships.)

That is romanticizing your relationship. That is choosing the path that leads to more connection, instead of more distance.

With so much else going on in our lives, a natural question might be; why is it so important to romanticize your marriage? To which I would respond, what else are you going to do?

What is the other option here? To fall into the monotony of daily life with the same person only to wake up after 15 years and realize you don't actually like each other? Because you haven't created a life that is fun and passionate and soft and wild for both parties?

No thank you!

There are so many small ways that you can make your marriage the stuff of your favorite romance novels and movies. Like:

• Waking up early to make your partner pancakes on a Sunday morning.

• Leaving a love note in their backpack or pant pocket for them to find later in the day.

• Bringing home flowers for them.

• Welcoming your partner at the door with a big hug and kiss.

• Seeking out new experiences to do together.

• Surprising them at work with a homemade lunch.

• Planning a romantic getaway for just the two of you.

• Seeking out intimate moments and experiences.

• Laugh, laugh, laugh!

• Eating dinner by candlelight as often as possible.

• Listening to Norah Jones while you cook dinner together.

• Having a "reading hour" in the evening, where you read books together instead of going on your phones.

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I think the reason why so many people believe that marriage is such hard work, is because they aren't willing to show up everyday and put in the bare minimum of romantic effort. Then, as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to do it, and it feels like the most gargantuan task. When it never had to be.

When you do these little things every day, when you put in little deposits into your relationship bank as often as possible, you create a beautiful, fulfilling and joyful partnership.

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Marriage is a beautiful gift. The depth of love that you feel is unlike any other feeling.

My friends who are preparing to get married this year have asked me if being married feels different than just dating or being engaged. And the answer is a strong yes. As it should be.

Marriage is a commitment unlike any other, aside from having children, and it feels very different to just dating, or even living together.

This is a person you've decided to be with for the remainder of your life, which is a huge decision! So why wouldn't you want to make it the most romantic, thrilling and beautiful decision of all?

Why wouldn't you want to do little things to make it feel even more magical?

I suppose I should've mentioned this before, but this is also a two person gig.

If you're in a marriage where you're doing all the work to keep that spark alive, then it might not be the relationship that will bring you the most joy.

Both parties have to be committed to learning how to show that romantic love to each other. And both parties have to be committed to continuously showing it.

But when you do, when you're both putting in the deposits and seeking out the magic, you can have the marriage of your wildest dreams.

F.