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Wife Talk | How Not to Lose Yourself in Marriage

A few weeks ago, I posted a podcast episode to my Patreon recapping my first year of marriage. If you're new here, I got married in May of last year, and we just celebrated one year as a married couple.

In the podcast, I reacted to a TikTok I saw where a woman was saying how she didn't feel prepared for how difficult marriage would be and how drastic of a change it was going to be. She truly didn't know beforehand, how big of an impact marriage would have on her life and how different her life would be from how it was when she was single.

I think this is a common problem with couples who either marry too soon without getting to know each other well enough, or with couples who are getting married for the wrong reasons. But whatever the case, it is completely possible to get married, enjoy your marriage, and still have a life of your own. In fact, I think it's imperative.

Many people put marriage on a pedestal, thinking that once they achieve this goal, all of their problems will be solved and they'll finally have the life they always wanted. Don't get me wrong, marriage is beautiful and so much fun if it's with the right person. But it's not some sort of magic pill that will erase all of your past traumas, heartbreaks, and failures.

The day after you get married, you're still the same person you were the day before.

The pedestalization of marriage and wedding culture is something I've thought a lot about over the years. Many of us are told from the time we're little girls that our lives don't have much meaning if they don't include a husband and kids. So instead of envisioning the type of woman we want to be when we grow up, we instead focus most of our attention on finding someone to choose us.

Then, when we actually get married, many women find themselves unfulfilled. Wondering why the one thing that they were told would bring them ultimate happiness, has only left them feeling more distant from themselves.

They don't know what hobbies they enjoy, they don't know what they're passionate about. They couldn't tell you the last time they did something for themselves and they don't really remember what used to bring them joy.

In today's post, I want to guide you through how to maintain your sense of self and identity in marriage. So that you can keep that spark in your relationship and respect for yourself.

Click Here to Listen to the Podcast Episode


Have your own hobbies

Doing activities together is a love language that many of us share with our partners. Maybe you love to go camping together, travel together, take salsa classes or analyze independent films. While it's wonderful to have someone that you can do activities with, it's equally important to have your own hobbies and interests.

Do you like to bake? Maybe you enjoy sewing and knitting. Perhaps you take an adult ballet class every week. Whatever it is that you like to do, keep doing it in marriage! So often, married people stop doing the things that attracted them to their partner in the first place. When we are actively participating in our hobbies, we maintain a sense of vibrancy and joie de vivre, which allows us to feel a sense of fulfillment.

Having your own hobbies also gives you something that you can talk about with your partner. Tell them about a new book you're reading or a new cross stitch you're attempting. Having new things to talk about helps keep your relationship fresh and new, and it allows you to always have something interesting to discuss.

Maintain relationships with your girlfriends

This is a big one. It is so important as we move on in life with spouses and children, that we make a strong effort to maintain our relationships with our girlfriends. Will it look the same as going out to brunch and having bottomless mimosas on a Sunday afternoon? No. Will it look the same as staying out until 3am belting karaoke? Probably not. But that doesn't mean you can't still have fun with your friends and spend time with them.

As we grow up and enter different phases of life, our relationships will look different. Our friendships will look different. But that doesn't make them any less beautiful. What once was a wild night out, turns into an elegant couples dinner date. Or a day of shopping with your bff turns into shopping with your bff and her beautiful baby.

Life is full of change. And our relationships will look different depending on what phase of life we're in. It can be difficult, because it all moves so fast. It feels like just yesterday weekends included rooftop drinks with your girlfriends, and before you know it, your weekends look drastically different. But different doesn't mean bad.

Make an effort to spend time with your girlfriends. Host dinner parties and brunches. Create a mini coffee shop in your apartment kitchen and tell your friends to stop by! Invite your friends with kids to hang out! Just because they had a kid doesn't mean they don't want to spend time with you anymore.

Having connections with other women is a great way to maintain your sense of self and your sense of community outside of just the person you married.

Take time for yourself (solo travel, solo dates, etc.)

I've mentioned countless times before how important I think it is to spend quality time with yourself prior to getting into a relationship. But it's just as important to continue carving out that time for yourself within your marriage.

While it's so much fun to travel with a partner, I think going on staycations on your own not only fosters self-confidence, but it also gives you a chance to miss your spouse! This doesn't have to be a week long vacation away from your home, but you could spend a day or a weekend exploring a new town, reading, and living your best main character life.

Set personal goals

Often times after we "get the guy", our goals shift. They start to become more centered around family and home life. We want our homes to look a certain way, we want our marriages to thrive, and we slowly forget about the goals we had for ourselves as individuals. What are your personal goals? What are the things you want to do and accomplish in your life that have nothing to do with your spouse or children?

Take some time to journal, reflect, and ask yourself what you hope to accomplish in your life as a woman. Maybe you want to write a novel, or start a blog. Maybe you want to see the northern lights or experience a real safari in South Africa.

Having personal goals allows you to have some things that are just for you. Dreams that you can work towards and something to focus on when you need a mental break from the responsibilities of daily life.

Have a daily ritual

Finally, I don't think the importance of a daily ritual can be overstated. Rituals are such centering and grounding practices that allow us to get in touch with our inner selves and accept a practice of love and care for ourselves into our daily lives.

Rituals can look different for everyone, but as long as it's a consistent practice, it's sure to add positive benefits and gain to your life. A daily ritual can be as simple as your morning skincare routine, or having an hour of uninterrupted meditation time. All that matters is that you commit yourself to this ritual every day.

I think this is the reason why we all love to watch morning routines and night routines on social media. The rituals of day to day life are soothing and comforting. The knowledge that no matter what happens tomorrow, you'll have your morning cup of tea or your evening face mask. It gives you something to look forward to that's just for you to enjoy.


I hope you enjoyed this post! If you did, comment down below how you maintain your sense of self in marriage and in your daily life.

For more content on this subject, head to Patreon to watch my video on How to Never Let Yourself Go.

Thanks for reading!

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