Welcome back to the blog :)
I've decided that I want to start writing on relationships a bit more, as it seems that my videos on various topics in the romantic realm seem to garner the most interest.
Whether I'm explaining the reasons I've chosen not to cohabitate with my partner, or my honest opinions about what constitutes "wife material", you all seem to enjoy when I speak on these topics.
For today, I want to discuss something that I truly believe needs to be quickly phased out of our society and culture: the "talking" phase.
If you're not familiar with this "stage" of a relationship, it's supposedly the point right before a commitment in a romantic relationship.
The talking phase might occur when you've met someone, exchanged numbers, started texting....and never quite stopped.
In this phase, you're probably sending long, novel-like texts back and forth, along with cute Snapchats, funny memes on Insta and the like. You might be spending hours on the phone, late at night, talking about every and anything, experiencing those initial flutters of excitement and a new romance brewing.
While this all sounds innocent enough, I worry that it can be very dangerous territory for those of you who know that you desire lasting commitment and true love.
See, the problem with the talking phase, is that there is no end goal in mind.
I understand wanting to get to know someone a bit before you decided to go out on an official date, but these waters get very murky. Expectations are not met, feelings get hurt, time is wasted.
More and more frequently, I'm hearing stories from women about being in "the talking phase" with someone for months on end.
My question to these women is always the same: what on earth are you still "talking" about after 7 or 8 months?
Now, of course, everyone is different. And some women may like the lack of commitment and freedom to date around while still getting to know someone. But many women accidentally end up in this phase, when what they were truly looking for, was a relationship. They tell themselves that they're okay with it, when they're not.
Ladies, I've always encouraged you to be honest with yourself and with your heart's desires.
If what you truly want is a committed relationship, don't settle for an 8-month, penpal "situationship" because you're lonely or you don't have any other prospects.
Think about it like this, this person who you're talking to for however long, is putting in the least amount of effort, while still having access to you. When access to you should be a privilege, not a right or expectation. They're entertaining the idea of being with you, but are either too lazy or not interested enough to take that next step to actually spend time with you.
And beyond that, they're able to still do whatever they want outside of this dynamic you two have, all because you've given them permission to do so. They could be going on actual dates with girls or women who just, aren't you. They could be "talking" to 2 or 3 more women. You don't know, and honestly, you don't have the right to know.
I have a friend who was in the talking phase with someone for 6 months. We know him from high school, and they reconnected over Thanksgiving break. After he went back home to San Diego they began sending cute good morning texts to each other, talking throughout the day, sending snapchats and little videos to each other. All for 6 months.
I asked my friend if she was okay with this arrangement and she always gave me an apathetic yet sarcastic, "Eh. We're penpals! There's no commitment and I have someone to talk to!"
I accepted her answer, knowing fully well that she wanted more from him. She wanted him to take the leap and make an actual effort to fly back up to San Francisco to see her and take her out on a date. I had my suspicions about her true feelings and acceptance about this unspoken deal that they had to talk everyday with no end goal, but my suspicions were confirmed when she decided to send him a care package with his pajama pants she had worn after a weekend spent together in SD, a succulent, and some other things she thought he might appreciate.
When she told me she was doing this, I did my best to level with her and explain that he was not her boyfriend. And that this was the sort of cute, feminine and romantic thing you save for an actual partner. This guy, who she'd been talking to for months, never came up from Southern California once to see her or take her out on a date, but she was quick to jump into the girlfriend role.
The role she truly wanted.
After she sent the package, the "relationship" ended soon thereafter, and she was calling me saying she saw him with another girl on his Insta stories.
This is what the talking phase does. It gives false hope for women, and gives men an excuse not to step up to the plate.
It has created a generation of lazy dating. Where you don't actually have to do anything, or go anywhere. You have the "freedom" of talking to whoever you want, all while potentially stringing someone along who might be hoping for more.
One of my favorite songs in high school was "Breakeven" by The Script. I absolutely loved that band back in the day and even went to their concert with my best friend.
The song is about heartbreak, and how when there is a disillusion of a relationship, there is usually one person who hurts more.
"When a heart breaks, no it don't break even."
Relationships are so interesting, because there can often be one person who wants something more, even though there are two people involved. Whether it's in the "talking" phase, or the "friends with benefits" phase, there is usually one party who is there, specifically because they want the relationship to progress.
Instead of being honest about this, we often try to play cool. We want to be the cool girl who doesn't pressure the guy she's talking to too much, so we don't scare him away. We try to give him space to be the one to tell us he wants to make it official, in his own time. While we're simultaneously hurting our own hearts, and wasting our own time.
We try to give him space to be the one to tell us he wants to make it official, in his own time. While we're simultaneously hurting our own hearts, and wasting our own time.
A man who recognizes your worth and value, a man who wants a relationship, a man who is serious about wanting to progress in a relationship with you, won't take up space in your heart in any way. He won't spend hours on the phone talking to you, but be too busy to plan out a date. He won't send you a good morning text, but have other girls on his insta stories. He won't take up space in your life, but leave space open for other women, in his life.
I'm not saying that men who participate in this behavior are inherently bad people.
This is our culture.
And many men, especially those who are younger, are so incredibly lost.
Society pushes companionship, but their intrinsic male nature desires freedom and exploration. It's a difficult conundrum that many young men experience.
So all you can do, is have standards.
If you know you're interested in someone, don't allow them to become your internet "boyfriend" for months on end. Make those feelings known, and truly listen to their response when you do.
If they're responding with, "Yeah let's just see where this goes." or "We're just taking it day by day." I can almost guarantee you, they are not interested in anything serious with you. If they've never booked a flight out to see you, or attempted to schedule a Zoom date, if they always want you to come to them, and put no real effort into coming to see you, they're not that interested.
It may hurt to walk away. It may be tempting to hear what you want to hear, but remember your standards. Stay true to your heart's desire.
Now, I'm not saying you can't talk to someone you're interested in for a week or so while you're planning your first date. In fact, Cain and I spent SIX hours on the phone the week before our first date.
But don't get stuck on the hamster wheel of shutting yourself off to other people, because you're in a mediocre, half-way, situationship with someone you've spent time in person with, once.
Stay true to your heart, uphold your standards, and don't waste your own time.
Well loves, that's all I have for you today! I'm so excited to start this relationship series, I absolutely love talking about love and dating. And I draw from my own heartbreaks and past hurts, to hopefully help all of you.