Hello Beautiful Friends,
I became inspired to write this post kind of randomly. I was just sitting here, surfing the web, when I decided to look up an old friend.
This person was someone I considered very close to me, and our friendship dissolving broke my heart in ways I didn't even realize until recently. We traveled together, competed in pageants together, and I truly thought that she would be one of my bridesmaids one day.
But as our friendship continued, differences between us became more and more apparent. And I started to feel left out of the activities she was participating in and the life she was creating for herself. A life I'd been such a big part of for so long.
The other day, I noticed that she and another one of my former friends Venmo'd each other for dinner. And my heart sank into my stomach. (Venmo is really always showing me things I don't want to know about lol). I thought I was so far past being heartbroken about the fact that I'd essentially been kicked out of my friend group, but as it turned out, I wasn't. I'm not.
See, relationship breakups are one thing. And I've been so transparent about my biggest heartbreak with a guy from my past. And while that's been it's own journey of healing, I think I forgot that that was not the first or the last time my heart had been broken.
My friendship breakup caused feelings of insecurity and self doubt that I couldn't just explain away by saying, "I'm out of his league" or "He's intimidated by me." Things that I told myself with my relationship breakup. There's no real way to explain or justify a friendship breakup. Especially one you didn't even see coming.
I don't know about you, but when I connect with someone, it's almost like I expect them to be in my life forever. I'm not a fair-weather friend. In fact, the few friends I do have now, I've had for a minimum of 10 years. So the concept of a friendship ending or fading is so foreign to me, and I still can't wrap my mind around it entirely.
But the thing that I hold on to, is gratitude for the amazing people who want to be in my life and who show up in my life.
It's so incredibly easy to focus on what we might be lacking, that we forget to acknowledge what we have.
I have an incredibly vibrant and beautiful life with close friends who I know aren't going anywhere, and a partner who makes every day feel like watching the sun set on the beach.
I've learned though, that the antidote to getting over any situation, whether it be a breakup, the loss of a job, or a missed opportunity of some sort, is to have gratitude for what you already have.
Many of us are truly blessed with so much, and yet we focus on the one thing that we don't have.
We also have to leave room to acknowledge that not everyone is who they portray. This has been a hard one for me to swallow, but it's the truth. We see such a small fraction of who people truly are, and honestly, we never really know anyone. We know what they show us. We know what they show the world.
I have so many truly beautiful friends, and seeing how easily someone could move on from a friendship with me, makes me realize that maybe I don't want that person in my life. At this point in my life, I only have time and space for those who want to be here, and who want to be in my orbit. Not for people who will use me for information, or to be an "I have a Black friend" placeholder.
This community has done so much for me, in ways that you don't even know. It has helped me feel connected to all of you who read this blog from all of the different corners of the world. And I truly am so thankful for you.
Friendship breakups are just as hard as relationship breakups. And I don't really have anything else to say other than that. But, as with most things, gratitude is the answer. And I'm so grateful for this beautiful life of mine.