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Cultivating Femininity | Getting Back to Basics

Updated: Dec 20, 2023

Hello Beautiful Readers,


It's been about 4 years since the conversation around femininity, traditional living & homemaking really started gaining traction amongst young women in modern society. In 2019, just before Covid took the world by storm, I had started easing my way into this conversation that was taking over on YouTube. Watching all of the videos, reading all of the blog posts and curating all of the pins on Pinterest.


It felt so simple. So attainable.


The creators I was watching felt relatable to me. They were just regular girls, recent college grads, or young wives talking about what helps them get through the day and how they choose to move through the world.


It wasn't professional level editing, or lighting. The thumbnails were simple and to the point. And the authenticity and genuine desire to share and help women, was clear.


It also wasn't about achieving perfection, becoming some version of "that girl" that doesn't even exist, or living a "soft life" (whatever that really means).


It was simple.


Now, 4 years later, the conversation has taken so many twists and turns that I don't even know where we are anymore.


With TikTok University making its appearance in 2020, suddenly every pretty girl was a "femininity coach", showing us her morning routine and talking about how to achieve a level of perfection that was created on someone's Pinterest board. Our YouTube home pages flooded with videos about Becoming the Dream Woman, Becoming That Girl, Becoming a Lucky Girl, Becoming a Soft Girl, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on about how many different versions of ourselves we should try to become to fit into what is currently decided on as the best way to exist as a woman in society today.


We live in a world of extremes. So it's not incredibly surprising that the femininity conversation has been the most recent victim of our extremist society, with no room for nuance or context. But a truly balanced woman knows that these extreme ways of seeing femininity and womanhood are not only unrealistic, but they can also be a detriment to our progress.


It's been exhausting.


I've even fallen into this trap of trying to stay relevant online by creating some of this catchy content. And while I don't think it's inherently bad or unhelpful, I think we're moving into scary territory.


Territory where, in trying to become the best version of ourselves, we're all actually trying to become the best version of someone else. Following the same exact routines. Drinking the same smoothies. Doing the same workouts.


The conversation around femininity is now so interwoven with having "divine feminine energy", finding a man to provide everything for you, manifesting and so much more, that I feel like we've lost the point.


We're running around in circles trying every new beauty product, buying every new perfume that is supposedly mesmerizing, doing Pilates because it's suddenly popular, all while trying to live this perfectly soft life.


And I don't know about you, but all I want, is to go back to those simple, easy, un-curated videos of 2019; where it felt like the creator genuinely cared about your heart, and genuinely wanted to help.


All I want, is to create that simple content again. Knowing fully well that it might not be the most popular thing that's happening on social media today. And that's okay.


So with all of that said, where does that leave us?


Well friends, it's time to get back to basics.


It's time to revisit the true meaning of femininity. And the very real impact that implementing characteristics of femininity can do for you. The very real ways that you can improve your life, without feeling like you're trying to become some perfect version of yourself.


Let's get back on track. Let's discuss what femininity IS and what it ISN'T.

 

Femininity IS Your:

  • Character

  • Presentation

  • Intuition

  • Empathy

  • Beauty (Inner & Outer)

  • Kindness

  • Ability to set boundaries


Femininity IS NOT Your:

  • Proximity to wealth

  • Pursuit of perfection

  • Ability to "capture" a man

  • Feminine "Archetype"

 

Character: I have seen very few people talking about your character as a feminine woman recently. Most of the content now is all about creating a perfect, dream life for yourself and becoming the dream version of yourself. But rarely, do these creators include the importance of your character.


Who are you? What are your morals and values? What do you believe in? How do you treat other people? That is what is important. Your character is the sum of the qualities that make you who you are. Your thoughts, beliefs, words, and actions.


This is naturally tied to your femininity, because your femininity will be expressed through your character. The traits of being a gentle, kind, and empathetic woman are elements of your femininity that will shine through as you show the world your character.


Presentation: Yes, your presentation is a part of your femininity and feminine expression, but it's not everything. Presentation doesn't have to mean perfect hair, skin and nails at all times. It simply means that you care about how you choose to walk out of your house every day. You've taken the time to select an outfit or makeup that makes you feel your best, so that you can give your best to the people around you.


Your presentation is less about being model status on a daily basis, and more about doing the very best you can with what you have on that day. Mentally, financially, and emotionally.


Intuition: Femininity is also your feminine intuition. It's your ability to see when a situation isn't right for you, and having the courage and strength to walk away. It's your ability to listen to that little inner voice that's telling you something isn't quite right. Or the voice that's telling you something is very right!


I've said on my channel for years, that feminine intuition is one of the most powerful tools we have as women. It's in our nature to be able to listen to our inner knowing, and act accordingly.


Empathy: Empathy is another feminine quality that I don't see discussed very often anymore. Much of the content is focused on the self, and not on trying to see different perspectives from a place of empathy, care and understanding.


How empathetic you are, is a direct reflection of how in touch you are with your femininity. When you can be a soft landing place for people around you; you exude that warm, welcoming and maternal nature that is inherently feminine.


When you can hear the stories and experiences of others without judgement and from a place of compassion, regardless of whether or not you can relate to them, you show your femininity in beautifully strong way.


Beauty: It goes without saying that beauty, both inner and outer, is a characteristic of femininity. Yes, men can be beautiful too (obvs). But womanly beauty, feminine beauty, is something that is so specific and true to us as women. The softness of our features, the elegance of our hands, the mystique within our eyes.


Beauty does not mean slathering on pounds of makeup and false eyelashes, though that can also be fun. It's about analyzing our unique features and finding the best ways to enhance those features, thereby allowing our inner beauty to shine through.


It's not about fitting into the beauty standards of society, but it's about highlighting our God-given assets, so that we can show up the way we want to in the world.


Kindness: My pageant coach used to have a saying that she told all of her clients, "Nice Matters." She always stressed to me the importance of being a nice and kind person at the competition. Not in a fake way, but realizing that the girl who is warm, the girl who is kind, the girl who is genuinely nice, will be the girl that other girls will be HAPPY to cheer on when she wins.


Being kind is an underrated quality in our society today. We're so quick to judge everyone we see online, when what we need to be doing, is looking at everyone as one of our brothers or sisters. And offer them the same kindness that we would want in return.


The next time you run to a gossip blog or a comment section to say something mean about a stranger you see online, stop to think about how you would feel if someone was to say something like that about you. The Golden Rule is just as true now as it was in Kindergarten; treat others the way you want to be treated.


Boundary Setting: This wasn't on my list initially, but the more time I've spent away from social media and YouTube, the more I realize how important this has been for my mental health and for protecting my femininity.


Setting boundaries is a sure fire way to express your femininity because it communicates to everyone you come in contact with, that you respect yourself. You honor yourself. You value yourself. You value your input, your time, your own thoughts and opinions. You value your sanity and your health.


When you struggle with setting boundaries, you allow people to treat you however they see fit. And that might not always be in alignment with how you see yourself.

 

Now, lets talk about what femininity is NOT.


Proximity to Wealth: I've seen a lot of content on TikTok and YouTube lately aligning femininity with wealth. Whether it's gurus online telling you where to go and sit by yourself so you can meet and marry a wealthy man. Or the incessant conversations about how we can all be more like Sofia Richie.


In my opinion, your proximity to wealth, has nothing to do with your femininity.


We often look to women on social media whose lives look picture perfect with their pristine kitchens and gorgeous foyers, and think to ourselves that they are the pinnacle of femininity. They are what we should aspire to be. In reality, the type of feminine woman we should strive to be, is one who is a good steward over what she already has! Whether that is a small 500 sq ft apartment or a mansion. How wealthy you are or how wealthy you appear to be online, can't give you the fulfillment that comes from true femininity and understanding of who we are, without material things.


Of course, financial acumen is important. But jumping on to "old money" aesthetics, and obsessing over creators who have immense amounts of wealth, usually only leads to comparison and discontentment.


Pursuit of Perfection: While I can appreciate the general message of some of the "That Girl", "Lucky Girl" videos and ideologies, for me, it only reinforces an internal struggle with perfection that already exists within me. Constantly trying to look like the Pinterest-perfect girls we see online and making it seem like that is what's most important in the journey to embrace femininity, often leads to feelings of dissatisfaction.


While we can use imagery as motivation and inspiration, let's be mindful to not attempt to become someone else entirely in the process.


Ability to "Capture" Men: A lot of femininity content these days is centered around men. Using your divine feminine energy to beat him at his own game. Using sprinkle sprinkle techniques to ensure that he comes chasing after you instead of the other way around.


There's nothing wrong with wanting to attract a partner. Wanting to attract a man and being smart about how to "keep" him. But this isn't inherently a characteristic of being a feminine woman.


Feminine Archetypes: Feminine archetypes are very fun. And they can be a great way to understand how we want to express our femininity, but they aren't everything. We have to be careful about boxing ourselves in. Yes, you might be the "free spirit" or the "femme fatale", but sometimes you might feel more like "Suzy homemaker" or "the mother".


The danger with aligning ourselves with archetypes, is that it can prevent us from expressing our femininity in whatever way it's showing up that day. It creates a sort of rigid box for us, when femininity is about being flexible.


Archetypes and aesthetics can be fun, but remember that your femininity will ebb and flow as you mature. So try not to box yourself in, and allow your femininity to show up the way it wants to.

 

This post was in no way trying to shame new creators who are focusing on the more flashy aspects of femininity. And there IS a place for that! But I find myself longing for simple femininity. Femininity that focuses on being a good person, an empathetic human, and a woman who wants to show up the best she can for herself and her family.


If this resonates with you, then you're in the right place. And let's get back to basics, together.


xo,

F.


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