Wow. Hello old friends.
How long has it been since I've written a blog post? I don't even want to know, to be honest.
It pains me to know that life has sped up so much, that I barely have time for the one hobby I love the most: writing.
Yes, I enjoy making videos. But I've kept a journal since I was five years old. Writing is my heart's speech and song, and I'm glad I'm able to sit down, and write this for you tonight. (Albeit at 12:50AM).
I've decided that it's time for some radical honesty. Both with you, and with myself.
A few months ago, I cited a fake Facebook profile as the reason why I was going to be slowing down with growing an online presence. And while that is true, there is so much more that contributed to my desire to take a step back from all that I had created.
The truth? I was scared.
Yes, it is incredibly creepy to know someone took a picture of me from the internet and began using it as their own like a real life episode of "Catfish". But what scared me more, was the fact that I had somehow become notable enough for that to happen in the first place. (Yes I know you don't have to be "notable" for this to happen, but this was how I initially viewed the whole situation.)
All of a sudden, I regretted so much of what I put online. I was suddenly thrown into this awareness, that my face was everywhere on the internet when you typed in "Feminine Fancy." There were chat forums discussing my Instagram posts, my personality, my behaviors. There were images that had been saved from my Instagram onto someone else's Pinterest. There were photos of myself and my partner from when we first started dating that I had posted back when my account had 22 followers that I now couldn't get off of the internet.
I wanted to erase so much of my existence on the internet. But I couldn't. It was too late.
You see, when I started my YouTube channel, I was unaware of many of the positives and negatives that come along with growing quickly on the platform. I spent all of 2020 just reveling in the fact that so many people were interested in what I had to say, that I never stopped to think about if I was truly comfortable with so much of my privacy and personal life being available for public consumption at all times. I was on autopilot creating and churning out content daily, so that I could hit my goal of 100,000 subscribers. And I did.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly proud of myself for reaching that milestone, and to be honest, I don't have any desire to reach any others. I'm not gunning for 1 million subscribers... at all.
But what I realized, was that I hadn't checked in with myself once in the entire year. I didn't check in to see if my message was evolving with me. Or if I was maintaining an ideology and way of thinking that was no longer central to who I am.
I think it's incredibly important to check in with yourself about so many things in life. Asking yourself if you're happy in your relationship, in your job, in your life in general allows you to answer your soul's questioning.
And I hadn't done that. I hadn't checked in. I just kept, making, content.
Many of you might think it's absolutely ridiculous that it took this fake Facebook page to wake me up and make me realize how permanent everything is on the world wide web, and you're probably right. But that's truly how it happened.
See, long before I was The Feminine Fancy. I was just, Felicia. I had a personal Instagram page with about 800 followers, and I only really went on Instagram to post photos of me on set. I watched YouTube videos, but only a select few channels. I didn't do Vine, when Vine was a thing. I Snapchatted my friends before that lost steam, and I only downloaded Tik Tok about a month ago. (And have since deleted it.) Social media really wasn't my thing.
So when the influx of viewers came to my channel to listen to me speak, I almost didn't recognize them as real people. It was just a number. And when it hit me that that number represented an individual human, I suddenly felt, embarrassed. It was like those nightmares where you're giving a speech and instead of picturing everyone else naked, you yourself end up naked in front of everyone.
I felt like Lizzie McGuire at her middle school graduation when she trips and pulls down the entire curtain. And I needed to hide. I needed to runaway to Rome and eat Spaghetti with Paolo...theoretically.
And so I did.
I stopped posting daily stories. I stopped posting three videos per week. I altered my Instagram content to include more photos of the beauty around me, rather than just my face. I spent less time online, and more time being present.
No more checking my YouTube studio first thing in the morning. Or seeing how many likes my Insta post got before breakfast. It was a nice change, but I missed connecting with all of you.
I missed getting my thoughts out on this blog. I missed talking to you in DM's. I missed The Feminine Fancy. I missed my baby. (Referring to The Feminine Fancy, I do not have a child nor am I with child.)
But then, when I returned, I was uninspired. And since we're being radically honest here, I'm still pretty uninspired.
The conversation on femininity has taken so many different turns and has embodied many different life forms. We have women whose take on femininity is all about manipulating men. We have women who believe femininity is about awakening an inner goddess. We've got women whose femininity is biblical. Some who combine femininity with homemaking and submission to their spouse. We even have men making content on how women should be more feminine.
And unfortunately, to me, it all feels largely superficial.
Much of the content surrounding femininity, including my own, has started to feel....inauthentic.
And as someone who is constantly challenging all of you to be more authentic, I wasn't showing you my full self 100% of the time.
I filmed a video this week on honoring your femininity, and as I began to watch it back and edit, I couldn't do it. I didn't even believe what I was saying.
There I was, this prim and proper young woman giving you another 10 ways to do something, and it just didn't feel right.
And I think I've come to understand why.
I know not everyone takes astrology seriously, and to be honest, I don't take it that seriously either. But I do know that I'm a Gemini. A twin. And for as long as I can remember, there have been two sides to my feminine being that have always played a constant game of tug of war.
There's the prim & proper prep school girl side to me. The one who you usually see. The one who does pageants, takes etiquette lessons, rides horses and will marry, settle down and have a family.
And then, there's the wandering gypsy side. The one who dreams of traveling to faraway lands, who spends hours in nature, and who loves being barefoot more than anything else in the world.
When I sit down to film, and the camera turns on, it seems that the prim & proper opts to take center stage, over my wanderer. And that's who you've seen for the last year and a half.
But my version of femininity is truly 50% of each. My friend Cynthia, who has a lovely video on feminine archetypes described me as 50% traditional, 50% free-spirited. And she's absolutely correct. Which is why I've felt like I haven't been diving fully into being vulnerable, in showing you another side of who I am.
ALL of that said. Going forward, that's exactly what I intend to do.
I want to have conversations that might make some of us uncomfortable and that push us outside of our comfort zone. I want to talk about femininity in a way that truly embodies what it means to be a feminine being on this Earth. How we show up in the world, how we show up for ourselves, our mothers and our grandmothers.
I want to talk about love and sex and heartbreak and loss and all of the things that make life the incredibly juicy and wild journey that it is.
I want to this space to be open, to be welcoming, to be safe. So that women from a multitude of races and religions can include their perspective, and have their voice heard.
My perspective might be influenced by my Christian upbringing, but is not currently based in any theology. It's simply based on the experience and conversations that I've had with the women in my life. And I think The Feminine Fancy is a beautiful mosaic of everything I've learned from the most essential women around me.
So. Where does that leave us?
Well, for one, I'm glad to have my blog back, and I'll be posting much more now that this is all settled.
Two, I will continue making content on Patreon for those who wish to engage with my video content. I'll make YouTube videos as well, but they might change a bit visually. Who knows.
Three, I want to start a podcast to talk about some of the things I want to delve deeper into. Some of the topics that I previously categorized as things my wandering side loves, but that I didn't think "fit" into the Feminine Fancy brand.
I'm excited about this revolution. I'm excited about the newness that is gifted when radical honesty occurs. And I'm excited to have you join me on the ride.