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5 Things to Consider Keeping to Yourself

Hello and welcome to another week and another blog post! I hope you've all been doing well and are as excited as I am for summer!


I wanted to take a moment to discuss some of the things in my life that I try to keep to myself. I've made a few videos before about moving in silence or things to keep private, but I thought it was time for a re-vamp.


As you all know, last month, I got married! It was a beautiful ceremony underneath the redwoods, with 40 of our closest friends and family. It was quiet, love-filled, whimsical and romantic in all the ways I'd ever hoped it would be.


When Cain proposed last year, I just knew I would be sharing every single second of the wedding planning process on my YouTube channel. Trying on my dress, cake tastings, dance lessons, my bachelorette party, the works. And I started out the year making a few videos on my plans for our big day.


But as time went on, I started feeling less and less comfortable with showing my wedding planning process, and I started to question if I ever wanted to share my wedding online. I gave updates on Patreon, but I stopped sharing on my main social pages.


And when the wedding finally came, I was bombarded with questions about whether or not I was going to share pictures or videos from our day.


To which, I still don't have an answer.


Our society is one that is built on sharing, and sometimes, oversharing. And we feel entitled to know about the goings on in someone's personal life, that we've never met in real life. Especially if that person has put other elements of their life online for the public.


And don't worry, I'm guilty of it too! The best example I can give is the fact that I was genuinely upset when YouTube couple Nikki and Jamie broke up without an OUNCE of an explanation. I had become very invested in their family, their life in Australia, and just seeing them live their life together.


But I've since come to realize, that's kind of unhealthy. And they didn't owe me, a stranger who watched their channel, absolutely anything.


The more I thought about it, the more I realized, that some things are just not for everyone. And last year, I asked myself a very important question in regards to what I was comfortable sharing from our wedding, a very personal and intimate occasion:

"Am I okay opening the door to judgement of the most important day of my life?"

The answer was no. I wasn't okay with that.


I wouldn't be okay if I saw negative comments about my dress or my hair, my husband or our venue. I was already dealing with enough privately, that I was absolutely not strong enough to have to read through potentially mean or judgmental comments.


Last year, I learned a very important lesson about what I'm comfortable sharing online and what I'm not comfortable sharing online.


I learned that before I post, I need to give myself consent. I need to ask myself a series of questions, before I release my image, my stories and my world onto the world wide web.

  1. Have I worked through this enough to share about it publicly?

  2. Does my audience need to know this?

  3. How does this speak to the larger message of my platform?

  4. Will future me be okay that I shared this?

When I first started my life online, I treated it as a sort of diary. I didn't view my audience as real "people" yet, so I was comfortable sharing things about myself that I hadn't really told anyone before.


Things about my past relationships, my opinions, my current relationship, etc.


And when I got a few years down the line, I realized I hadn't processed those things the way I needed to.


I was sharing things I hadn't worked through, and never gave myself consent to share.


I know it sounds silly, "giving yourself consent". But I've found it to be a wonderful practice in keeping boundaries.


I now have boundaries set up for my life online, and offline, that I simply do not cross. Which has given me a lot of peace. And confidence in myself.


But this idea of setting up boundaries and keeping certain things close to the chest isn't specific to those of us with an online presence. In our personal lives, with family and friends that see us face to face, we can set up boundaries with what we are and are not comfortable sharing.


In an article titled, "7 Reasons It’s Good To Still Have Secrets" on Bustle, writer Sharon Jones explains the benefit of keeping certain things to yourself.

"According to Jones, remembering is always a process of reinvention. When you share every moment of your life, you commit more of those memories to public — or semipublic — record. By keeping some recollections to yourself, you empower yourself to analyze and reassess your life's narrative, to better understand how the events of your past continue to shape your present."*

Here are the things in life I have started keeping close, and that I encourage you to take a look at before sharing with people you don't fully know or trust.


1. Things you haven't fully worked through.

I know therapy speak can get annoying so please bear with me here. But something I think we can consider keeping close, are things we haven't fully "worked through". By keeping close, I don't mean never being vulnerable with anyone, ever. And I don't mean to insinuate that you have to be perfectly healed before you can experience community with people. Not at all.

Rather, taking into consideration where YOU are at emotionally with whatever issue you're having, before sharing it publicly.

A lot of times, we are still so emotionally wrapped up in something, that we can't fully hear or welcome advice from family and friends anyway.

It is valuable to work through things with trusted people in your life. But it's also valuable to take time to assess your own feelings and emotions. Doing this in therapy is a great way to be working on something you're struggling with, with a professional who can give you tools and actual resources to help. But meditating, reflecting, journaling and crying, can all be powerful releases you can do on your own.


2. Things that cross a boundary you've set.

Keeping our own boundaries can be difficult. We say we won't talk about certain things with certain people, and then we fall back into old patterns. It's okay, we've all done it. But I think it's important to honor the boundaries we set for ourselves, as they are often set out of love and care for our well being. They are past us, trying to protect future us.

If you've told yourself that you don't want to discuss your relationship with your parents, or you don't want to discuss your salary with friends, etc., hold those boundaries. Trust yourself to know why you set those boundaries up. Trust the intuition that is guiding you towards protecting what is sacred to you.


3. Things you consider sacred.

The concept of deciding what is sacred to me is one that appeared as I was deciding how to proceed with my wedding and if I wanted to share it online. This little voice kept popping up in my head saying, "Is nothing sacred to you?" In other words, is every bit and piece of your life available for mass consumption?

We all have sacred things in our lives. Whether it be our beliefs, our marriages, relationships, etc. And not everyone needs to be let in on what you consider sacred in your life.

I have been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a teenager. When I hadn't even met my husband and I had never had a boyfriend, but I was pinning wedding dresses and envisioning the most beautiful day. A sacred day. A day that was specifically for close friends and family. So the decision not to post too much about it, came fairly easy once I acknowledged it as a sacred day and moment in my life.

I encourage you to ask yourself, what is sacred to you?


4. Things you don't want negative energy around.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, some people will kill your dreams while they're in seed form, because they can't see what you see. Something to consider keeping to yourself, are things you don't want negative energy around.

Many of us have that one negative family member who can ALWAYS find a reason to shoot down your ideas. They'll tell you it's already been done, they'll tell you you're not quite right, or the situation isn't perfect, or you're wasting your time.

But they don't see what YOU see. They don't have the vision YOU have.

If there are things in your life that you hold dear, and you only want positivity spoken into, be intentional about who speak about certain things with.

Don't bring up your business idea with someone who is going to give you 100 reasons not to try.

Seek out mentors, seek out people that can help, seek out people who will always choose positivity. And seek out advice from people whose lives you want to emulate.


5. Things that are tender.

I love the word tender, and I don't think it gets used often enough. But I think this is a perfect opportunity to use it to describe things to consider keeping private.

If you think about the word "tender", what do you think of? I think of things that are soft, maybe that hurt a little. Things that are fragile, delicate and easily broken.

Many of us have tender spots in our lives. Things that we haven't built up enough strength around. Maybe talking about an ex-love, is a tender spot for you. Maybe discussing a failed friendship is a tender spot.

Again, it's not that I want you to keep everything to yourself, and never be vulnerable. Rather, I want you to do an assessment of the things you're strong enough to discuss, and things that might need a little more time.

Of course, I will always advocate for therapy, and working through tender spots with the guided help of a professional. But if something is soft, and easily broken, maybe don't speak about it with people who showcase a lack of empathy.

 

I hope you don't read this post as me telling you not to seek help or discuss important topics with trusted loved ones. I am a huge proponent of a community based approach to living life, and I wish more people were. Rather, I want you to take this as an invitation to ask yourself certain questions about what you're sharing and who you're sharing with.


Do you want genuine help? Or do you just need someone to vent to?


Do you want to heal and grow? Or are you comfortable partaking in the same habits?


Asking yourself certain questions before choosing to share something, often saves you from pain in the long run.


Give yourself consent, know your boundaries, and don't be afraid to keep some things for yourself.


xo,

F.

 


*Novak, J. (2015, August 23). 7 reasons it’s good to still have secrets you only keep with yourself. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/103629-7-reasons-its-good-to-still-have-secrets-you-only-keep-with-yourself#:~:text=When%20you%20share%20every%20moment,continue%20to%20shape%20your%20present.



3 comentarios


LeAnne Wheeler
LeAnne Wheeler
25 jun 2023

Congratulations on getting married💐.

I was hoping to see your dress lol. I'm sure it was beautiful and elegant. And surely all the more special the event for just you and Cain and your loved ones.

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Paige V
Paige V
21 jun 2023

This is so timely for me. I was thinking today, how I usually point out my "flaws" or "problems" because I want others to validate me. I made a mistake today that really only affected me, and temporarily so. I realized as I was going to meet my friends, that there was no way they would know what happened unless I told them. I felt like I gained some of my power back then.

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Thanks for sharing your honest feelings with us. I think many people feel the same way but are afraid to admit it . Due to FOMO


I honestly don’t judge anyone who choose to share every aspect of their lives on the internet or social media .


However , I do admire and respect those who are selective with what they share online .


it’s absolutely not a requirement to share every aspect of your life on the internet if you are a content creator. I view being a content creator as a job and so I approach my content from a professional and business mindset.


Any tiny bit of information that I do share is usually relative to m…


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Just a California girl who believes in a good cup of tea, a fresh bouquet of peonies, page turning novels & romanticizing everyday life.

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